Plotting a Set-Up

Today is Monday.

On  Friday, Hope had an outdoor education trip.  It was pretty miserable out there (rain, sleet and snow) and I wasn’t sure I wanted her to go on that trip, but she insisted.  They were going to Downsview Park for the day.  We had bought her snow pants the night before and she really wanted to go, but she didn’t look so hot and I thought she was coming down with something.  But I regretfully let her go.

When she came home that night, she looked pretty miserable.  She went to bed early, and that night she woke up at about 3:00 in the morning.  “I’m not feeling well”, she called from her bed.  “Figures”, I thought.  Got her some Tylenol, etc.  Went back to bed.  The next morning, she was still not feeling so great.  Bobo didn’t want to take her to the doctor…”She only has a cold.”  “That’s right,” I said, “And it’s going to get worse, and her asthma is going to start acting up, and she is going to need some antibiotics”.  But what do I know?  “She’s fine”, he said.

It’s not like I can drive anywhere anyway, so we left it for another day.  But boy, did she ever look and sound like shit by Sunday.  She couldn’t even talk.  “So now are you going to take her to the doctors, like I told you yesterday?” I asked my husband.  “It’s Sunday.  Who is open on Sunday?” he answers.  “Well, ya should have thought of that yesterday when it was Saturday and I told you to take her to the doctors”.  Now you have to take her to Hospital’s walk in clinic.  So off they all went for a couple of hours while I got some more much needed sleep.  Hope didn’t really want to go.  She is convinced that every time she goes to the doctor, he/she is going to give her a needle.

The radiation has taken a lot out of me.  I need about 14 hours of sleep to feel 1/2 human.  Sunday, I was pretty miserable, and slept pretty much the entire day sleeping away.  I did manage to get to church in the evening though.

Tuesday.  Hope is still sick.  Frack was taken to school by grandma.  He tried to tell me he was sick too.  Then, he pipes in…  “It’s not fair that Hope gets to stay home while I go to school.”  “Too bad for you . . . Go to school”, said Grandma.  He went reluctantly.  No messing around with Grandma in the picture.

Children are very demanding when they are ill, let me tell you.  They whine like crazy.  I want water.  My throat hurts.  My head hurts.  Do I need my medication now?  Am I ever going to get better?

Then she wanted an egg, sunny side up, when Grandma and Frack were gone.  I feel like a slave.  Not enough sleep, then this.  Custom ordered breakfast.

I gave her her medication, some tylenol, and told her to go back to bed.  We both slept until 12:00, and then had some lunch.  I had to call my dad to come over to watch her while I went to the dentist across the street.  The secretary asked me,  “So Maria, how are you?”  “Not so good”, I replied.   “Oh, why not?”, she smiled.  “The cancer is back.  I had to have surgery to put 2 metal rods in my back, and last week I had 2 radiation treatments”, I responded.  “Oh”, she said.

“Don’t think she be asking me that question again,” I thought smugly.

I actually wanted to get my teeth cleaned before they put me on a new drug called “Xgeva”.  It’s suppose to help my bones, but if you need any dental work, it can lead to some potential problems.  I think I have to take antibiotics or something like that.

When I got home, Hope was complaining that Frack wasn’t home yet.  That was new.  Usually they are fighting or killing each other about something or another.  She started to cry.  “I see the school bus and here comes Frack”, I told her.  “Thank heavens you’re here”, I told Frack as he walked through the door.  “Your sister has been missing you all day and she is even crying for you”.  “Where is she?,” he asked.  “Right over there” I pointed.  He took off his coat and ran into the living room.  “Sweetie pie”, he calls to her.  “Baby,” she wailed, crying, with her arms outstretched.  They had a long 5 minute hug, all smiles.  Damn I wish I had that on video tape.  They were acting like long lost relatives.  Priceless.

Later…. “Watch my back”, I yelled at Frack as he was jumping around me on my bed.  “Don’t you know I’ve got two metal rods in my back.”

“Get a magnet!” yells Bobo as the kids burst out laughing.

No respect.

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P.S.  The radiologist’s secretary phones me every couple of days to make sure I am filling out my questionnaires for the clinical trial.

“Hey”, I asked her.  “Do you also happen work for that guy, Dr. Alomer.”  Not really, I am Dr. Radiation Guy’s secretary.  Dr. Alomer is from another country and he is learning radiation techniques from our doctors.

Do ya happen to know if he is sikh?” I asked her.

“Ya, I think he is, why?”  she questioned me.

“I want to set her up with my friend/colleague, but she will only date sikhs”.

“Yeah, I think he is, but I’ll ask around and find out for sure.  Bring her in to your next appointment.”

Next appointment’s in 2 months.

Hmmmm….. now I just got to convince Reema!

 

 

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The Dark Side

Tired.

So tired, I don’t want to even get out of my bed.

And the hot flashes….don’t even let me begin to get started on that topic.

Gotta go back to bed.

Later….

It’s almost midnight and I’m awake…. probably because I’ve been sleeping for most of the day.

Lucky for me, my cousins Sera and Mike took the kids for the last two days to give me some time to recoup.  I am eternally grateful, because I don’t think I could have handled the kids.

The following stuff I’m going to write, I didn’t want anyone to read because I don’t think anyone would really understand the predicament I find myself in.  However, my friend Irish Maria encouraged me to post this blog because she said people need to know about the trials one faces when going through cancer, even the bad ones.  So here it goes.

Over the last couple of days, the news has been broadcasting that the government of Ontario is now going to ban the drug I’m on called Oxycocet.  On Friday, when I went in for my second radiation treatment, I read in the newspaper that the drug company was going to stop making it and that they were worried about the ramifications this may cause.  Apparently, the drug is 2 times more powerful than morphine and is given primarily to people in palliative care, and people with spinal injuries.  Hence why I was given the drug after getting two rods inserted in my spine.  People are very concerned about the cancellation of this drug because it is quite the hit in the native communities (1/2 the people are addicted to it), and when it is withdrawn abruptly, it makes people suicidal.  That would explain why, and I’m not proud to admit it, I was strongly thinking of knocking myself off last week when I tried to stop taking it.  I can honestly say that for about 2 days I really wanted to die.  I was tired of suffering and I felt I was never going to get better.  I was contemplating asking Bobo to go buy me a gun, or jump off a bridge (but I wasn’t sure how I would get there since I couldn’t walk or drive anywhere), or over-dosing on pills.  Then I decided it might be a good idea to go to Oregon to find a doctor that assisted in suicides(in that State it is legal).  And lately, what seemed to piss me off and throw me in the deep end even more is when people said, “Stay positive”.  Unless they’ve been where I have been, they couldn’t positively understand.  The pain is unbearable and I was afraid of what the pain medication was going to do to me.

Then one morning I woke up and was lying there thinking this is NOT me.  This is NOT who I want to be.  And I climbed out of the hole I call “The Dark Side”.  And I hope I never end up there again.

——————————————————–

I have to go see the radiologist in two months to see if the cancer in my bone is gone.  It takes a while for the radiation to take effect… it’s cumulative.  I have no idea what I am going to do if they tell me it’s not gone.  I do not want to go back to that same hospital to get my bone taken out from the front.  I’m told that that surgery would involve many blood transfusions and a lot of bleeding and it would strain my heart.

And that will not be end of it either.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do about that giant cyst in my abdomen.  I know the gynecologist doesn’t want to surgically remove it because I have had two c-sections which would make it very difficult, yet it is too big to be taken out laproscopically.  I will need to go the Naturapathic College to see if I can get rid of it naturally.

That’s it for now.  Time for bed.

2nd Radiation Treatment

Second Radiation Treatment

Didn’t go as well as the first one.

The lady didn’t put on my CD loud enough for me to hear it, so I got to listen to the drone of the machines moving around my body for over 45 minutes.  That made me quite nervous because I was paying close attention to the fact that I was not suppose to move.

When it was over, my back burned a bit this time.

Yesterdays spa experience was much better.

She didn’t get a tip from me.

Radiation Treatment #1

Just had my first radiation treatment.  Was put in my blue “Day of the Triffids POD” at 12:40.  Plastic was put over my head and I was freeze dried (or vacuum sealed).  The lights were dimmed.  I gave them my CD (called Positive Thinking). And I pretended I was having a seaweed wrap day at the spa.

The machines whirled around my body.  Some were round, others were rectangular in shape.  Didn’t feel much, just a bit of warmth.  It took about 1 hour.  Felt a bit nauseous being driven home, but am otherwise alright.

Tomorrow I see the doctor for some steroids.  Appointments been changed to 3:40.  Fatigue will set in over the week-end, I’m told.  But so far, so good.

Despair

Been going through a rough patch.

Not liking being in pain much.

Thinking the doctor assisted suicide in the state of Oregon sounds like a pretty good option if this doesn’t get any better.

Tired of being in pain.

Scared about the radiation treatment tomorrow.

Not sure of what next week will bring.

Hate this.

The Stupid Gene Strikes Again

patience

Didn’t go to church today.

Was feeling pretty awful.  Trying not to take so many oxycocet because I’m afraid it will make me twitch and I don’t want to twitch during radiation.

Hope almost set the house on fire because someone wasn’t listening to her when she told him she was hungry.

She put a potatoe thing in the microwave for 6 minutes.  Bobo had to grab the microwave plate and toss it out the door as it was burning.  The house smelled pretty bad for a long time.  Then I told the 3 of them to get out of the house because they were driving me nuts.  And they did.

They went skating at Centennial Arena for their “Valentines Day” party.  I was glad ’cause I got to sleep for about 3 hours.  The stupid gene strikes again.

Hallelujah and Rethink Breast Cancer Help

I actually made it to church tonight.  It was our 50th Anniversary and our choirs held a big concert.  We sang “Hallelujah” at the end.

That’s what I’ll be singing next week when I finish radiation.

This morning I went to see my oncologist (Dr. A).  I really like the guy.  He makes me feel good about things when I leave his office, unlike his partner/associate, who I will hopefully never see again.

Bobo didn’t go to work on time today.  He helped get the kids ready for school and then brought me over to the hospital for my appointment.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to get back home.  I was really, really tempted to drive back by myself, but my older sister rescued me and the car and drove me back home.

Feeling much better today.  Figured out I ate some rancid pineapple yesterday and that was what made my stomach hurt.  My mom found it in the back of the fridge and gave it to me when I told her I had a craving for pineapple.  Guess it wasn’t thrown out from the fridge 2 weeks ago.  Usually, my nose is pretty good at sniffing out bad food, but it failed me yesterday.  That’s okay, because my cousin Mike was in my neighbourhood and he brought me some fresh pineapple and watermelon.   And boy was that watermelon good.  It helped settle my stomach.

Getting a bit worried about Frack.  Yesterday he claimed he did not want to go to school anymore because he is in the BAD CLASS.  And he was tired of being in the bad class. And why can’t he go into the Good class (grade 1/2).  Apparently his phys. ed. teacher is going to give him a D because he doesn’t pay attention.

I have been talking to a Child Life Specialist (Morgan) from Rethink Breast Cancer.  She is really wonderful.  She came to work with my kids last week and did a whole thing about doctors/needles etc.  I told her that Frack is not eating any of the food we pack him for lunch and his teachers are telling me he doesn’t pay attention.  Morgan told me that that is normal for kids Frack’s age when one of their parents have cancer.  They have a tough time concentrating in school.  Not eating is their way of controlling a situation.  Kids Frack’s age revert to a toddler stage when they get upset.  Poor little guy.  He’s grinding his teeth at night too.  He has no more fangs.  Last week-end (Sat/Sun) I woke up screaming my head off in pain because the medication wore off and I couldn’t turn around to reach my water and oxycocet.  The damn medications only last 4 hours.  Bobo was soundly snoring downstairs by the T.V. and my screaming didn’t get his attention at all.  Poor Frick had to run downstairs to wake him up.  Oh the crap little kids have to go through when their parents are sick.  I don’t know how I’m ever going to make it up to them.

As for my husband, I still owe him big time for the urinary tract infection I am sure I got from him tossing me in the bathroom in the commode when I was still attached to the catheter on the bed.  One whole week of antibiotics on top of the meds I’m already on.  Hmmm….

Okay, okay.  He did redeem himself.  Last Saturday he cooked up a delicious roast beast dinner for us and some invited guests.  And this week-end he is putting up with my family again.  It’s my mother’s birthday and they (sisters & the whole lot) are coming here for dinner Saturday.

My husband is going to kill me when he gets home today anyway because I went downstairs in the laundry room and knocked over one of his cactus plants.  So I can write whatever I want about him until he gets home.  Then I’m toast for touching his plants.

 

Feb 10. 2012

I can put on my pants all by myself!

I am making progress!

 

Feb 11, 2012

Had mom’s birthday party at my place.

All went well.

 

 

The Makings of My “Pod”

Went to see my family doctor at 8:45 this morning.

She said I was under-medicated and should double the dose of oxy.

Told her that would constipate me more, so she told me to take some laxatives.  She also wants me to have an ultrasound on my kidneys.

Then I was on my way to my cancer hospital where they made an interesting cast of my body.  First they lay me down on a blue blanket that seemed to be filled of air dried clay.  Then they stuck  a piece of plastic with a hole in it over my head.  Then they got a vacuum and sucked all the air out of it.   I felt like a piece of meat from the market getting vacuum packed.  Couldn’t move.  Went through the CAT scan and then they left me go.  It was like I was in a pod from that movie, “The Day of the Triffids”.

Later when I was in the waiting room, I saw my “Pod” (or blue kayak) being delivered to another wing of the hospital…. until next week.  I have two radiation sessions on Thursday and Friday Feb. 16/17.  I have to lie in it for about 45 minutes, even though the actual radiation treatment is about 5 minutes.  2 1/2 minutes,  then they check to make sure they hit the right spot.  If they didn’t, they will change the angle of the beams.  Then another 2  1/2 minutes.  Another scan. etc.

Went to my oncologist’s office and told them I didn’t want to see that chic anymore, the Dragon Lady… (I was suppose to see her this coming Tuesday and was dreading it).  Told the secretary that she made me uncomfortable and that I felt worse about my condition after seeing her.

 

Feb. 8, 2012

Feeling very tired today.  Sleeping a lot.

Just ate a little bit, but am feeling nauseous.

Time for some ginger candy.  Those Ginger Chews Angela bought me are the best

Going back to bed, Bye.

Weeble, Wobble

Tried to close the stupid fridge door, but something was blocking it.  Crouched low like a frog to try to adjust the stuff that was on the lower shelf.

Fell over like a weeble wobble.  Cried on the floor for 10-15 minutes.  Saved by Evangeline a few minutes later.  How I hate feeling like an invalid.