The Dark Side

Tired.

So tired, I don’t want to even get out of my bed.

And the hot flashes….don’t even let me begin to get started on that topic.

Gotta go back to bed.

Later….

It’s almost midnight and I’m awake…. probably because I’ve been sleeping for most of the day.

Lucky for me, my cousins Sera and Mike took the kids for the last two days to give me some time to recoup.  I am eternally grateful, because I don’t think I could have handled the kids.

The following stuff I’m going to write, I didn’t want anyone to read because I don’t think anyone would really understand the predicament I find myself in.  However, my friend Irish Maria encouraged me to post this blog because she said people need to know about the trials one faces when going through cancer, even the bad ones.  So here it goes.

Over the last couple of days, the news has been broadcasting that the government of Ontario is now going to ban the drug I’m on called Oxycocet.  On Friday, when I went in for my second radiation treatment, I read in the newspaper that the drug company was going to stop making it and that they were worried about the ramifications this may cause.  Apparently, the drug is 2 times more powerful than morphine and is given primarily to people in palliative care, and people with spinal injuries.  Hence why I was given the drug after getting two rods inserted in my spine.  People are very concerned about the cancellation of this drug because it is quite the hit in the native communities (1/2 the people are addicted to it), and when it is withdrawn abruptly, it makes people suicidal.  That would explain why, and I’m not proud to admit it, I was strongly thinking of knocking myself off last week when I tried to stop taking it.  I can honestly say that for about 2 days I really wanted to die.  I was tired of suffering and I felt I was never going to get better.  I was contemplating asking Bobo to go buy me a gun, or jump off a bridge (but I wasn’t sure how I would get there since I couldn’t walk or drive anywhere), or over-dosing on pills.  Then I decided it might be a good idea to go to Oregon to find a doctor that assisted in suicides(in that State it is legal).  And lately, what seemed to piss me off and throw me in the deep end even more is when people said, “Stay positive”.  Unless they’ve been where I have been, they couldn’t positively understand.  The pain is unbearable and I was afraid of what the pain medication was going to do to me.

Then one morning I woke up and was lying there thinking this is NOT me.  This is NOT who I want to be.  And I climbed out of the hole I call “The Dark Side”.  And I hope I never end up there again.

——————————————————–

I have to go see the radiologist in two months to see if the cancer in my bone is gone.  It takes a while for the radiation to take effect… it’s cumulative.  I have no idea what I am going to do if they tell me it’s not gone.  I do not want to go back to that same hospital to get my bone taken out from the front.  I’m told that that surgery would involve many blood transfusions and a lot of bleeding and it would strain my heart.

And that will not be end of it either.

I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do about that giant cyst in my abdomen.  I know the gynecologist doesn’t want to surgically remove it because I have had two c-sections which would make it very difficult, yet it is too big to be taken out laproscopically.  I will need to go the Naturapathic College to see if I can get rid of it naturally.

That’s it for now.  Time for bed.

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