The Cyst

I am freaking out.

Just discovered my cyst is getting much bigger.

May need surgery soon to remove it, if it doesn’t rupture on it’s own… in which case I will need emergency surgery.

NOT looking forward to another hospital visit.

Called Theresa Rose and she came over at lunch to calm me down.

Went out for lunch with Colette at 1:00.

Made many attempts to phone doctors.

This morning, my family doctor called.  Told me I needed an MRI done on my abdomen and to phone my gynecologist (they told me that they already faxed him).

Phoned the gynecologist. who didn’t receive the fax, so I phoned Family doctor again.  His secretary told me she would phone me tomorrow morning once he’s seen the ultrasound.

My LTD oncology nurse phoned and I had family dr. send her the ultrasound results.  She told me not to worry… unlikely cancer, but will probably have to get the cyst removed.

The thought of going back to the hospital….. don’t even want to think about it.



Chocolate Bunnies and Paper Cranes

It’s been crazy busy lately and I haven’t been on my computer for what seems like ages.  We had a good Easter.  We went to my sister house for lunch and my in-laws for dinner.

Amongst Frack’s stash of goodies was a really cute little wooden cage with 2 little chocolate bunnies from my friend Norma at church.  He has pretty much eaten all his chocolate, except for one of the little caged bunnies.  What he has done instead is peeled 3 carrots for it and stuck them in the “cage” with the bunny.   I’m not sure what his intention is… I’m thinking that he thinks the bunny will eat the carrots and grow into an even bigger chocolate rabbit!

It’s 5:00 in the morning.  The doctors have introduced my body to a new drug called Xgeva.  It’s suppose to help my bones regenerate.  One of the side effects is that it feels like someone is stabbing me in the legs.  That’s why I woke up this morning, so I decided to get on the computer and write something.

Today I wanted to write about something that happened to me on the 2nd of April.  I went to school to do a lesson with a class (I’m determined to do at least one art lesson for every class in the school and I have 3 more classes to go).  Anyway, when I arrived at the school Anna  asked me what I was doing there and I told her.  Then she started acting a bit suspicious and told me I wasn’t allowed to go into my classroom and set up for art.  Hmmm…. I thought…wonder what’s going on?  So she told me that some kids were doing something special for me and not to go in there.  Linda, my replacement, also told me not to go in there.  Fine.  I decided to go home and come back later.   After lunch I returned…. still wasn’t allowed to go into the classroom… until the bell rang and then there was going to be some sort of presentation from a few of the intermediate students.

The bell rang.  I was allowed to go into the class.  And what should I see but a thousand paper cranes all over the classroom.  Strung on thin invisible string all over the classroom, inside vases, on tables… everywhere.  There were about 6 students who then proceeded to take me to an IMAC computer where they showed me a slideshow with inspirational quotes.  I had my camera with me and took pictures and taped it.  Apparently the kids from my school were busy at work since December (when they found out my cancer had spread), making one thousand paper cranes.  I’m not sure if you know the story of Sadako and the Paper Cranes.  It’s about a young girl in Japan who survives the bombing at Hiroshima, but later develops leukemia as a result.  She remembers a Japanese story in which a person who makes 1,000 paper cranes will be granted a wish.  She is only able to make 644 cranes and tragically dies.  Her friends continued to complete the 1,000 cranes and buried them all with her.

I’m not sure who came up with the idea to make 1,000 paper cranes for me, but I am in awe.  I have no idea how to make a paper crane.  It looks quite complicated.  It must have taken those kids ages to complete this goal.   I am told several of the junior and intermediate classes helped make them.

And now I have 1,000 beautiful paper cranes in various colours.  (Actually 997 because some grade 2 students were working in my class the other day and I gave away three because they liked them so much I didn’t want to disappoint them).

That night I pondered what should I do with the paper cranes.

I came up with an idea (which I thought that some of the kids who worked on it could help).

We could get a big huge canvas board and paint it bright red.  Then glue the word “HOPE” on it with the paper cranes.  Get it framed.  And put it on one of the walls at Gilda’s Club (the cancer support group I belong to).   If not, I’m sure one of the Wellspring centres may want it.

I think that we would probably have enough paper cranes to make a pink canvas board too too with a “ribbon” made out of the paper cranes.  We could perhaps give it to either Rethink Breast Cancer or Princess Margaret Hospital.  There.  This will keep me busy for a while.

Good Friday

I haven’t written in a long time.

I wanted to write about this for a while, but I wasn’t really sure what to say without giving what I had to say justice.

Over the last couple of months, it has been really, really hard for me to get over feeling like a cancer victim.  Physically, this last episode of “this journey” has almost cost me my spirit.  The spinal surgery almost did me in.   I would wake up in so much pain I didn’t want to go on.  I didn’t want to suffer as I had seen others suffer of cancer in their final stages and was trying to think of a better way to die.  I was hoping that my heart problems would kill me first.

I know what it feels like to be in total despair.

At times like this I would cry and cry and cry.  And when I was all spent from crying I would ask God what he wanted me to do because I was at a loss.  Then I would pick up the bible and ask him to guide me.  I never did this often, just when I really and truly needed it.

The last two times  I was guided to a passage about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  And then about 2 weeks ago I read a passage from Luke 7.  It spoke about when Jesus performed miracles.  He made the blind see.  He cleansed leapers.  He even saved a man’s servant from death.  And at the end of the passage it read, “Those who believe and have faith will be saved.”  “That’s going to be me,” I thought.  And ever since then I have felt better than I have ever felt before.  I will be healthy.  I have to be.