Today I drove home crying again from one of my appointments, but this time it was tears of joy. Thank God and thank all the people who were praying for me. You won’t believe this one. I am still in shock.
I went to my CT Simulation for Radiation Appointment expecting to be fitted with my very own personalized Goalie Mask for my upcoming radiation treatment on Friday. We were late. I say we because I woke up at 5:30 this morning and had a panic attack and asked Bobo not to go to work and come to this appt with me. We left late because I had to make sure Frick and Frack got across the street safely to go to their new school, St. Andrews (yeah!).
This was the first time I was suppose to get radiation done at Sunnybrook, the last 6 were at PMH. We kind of got lost at the Odette Centre, and I was getting fretful because we were running late. Bobo said it didn’t matter anyway. What was the rush? Was I in a hurry to learn that I was dying? “Good point” I told him. I asked him what he told his boss about not showing up at work this morning. He said he told him he was married to Frankensteins Bride or something like that and there was something sticking out of my neck. I had to laugh at that one, but his boss said that wasn’t very nice.
We got lost in the Odette Centre (went to 3 different places before we found the right one) and were about 15 minutes late. Sat in the waiting room for another 10 minutes and then the French Lady (my doctors associate who newly arrived from Quebec) called me in. Sat us down and said in broken English, “Your MRI from 2 weeks ago showed that there was something on the C5 vertebrae of your neck, but the MRI we just did this week says it is not cancer”.
“WHAT?” I said, thinking I needed to get my hearing check because I could have sworn she said that the spot on my neck wasn’t cancer. “It’s not cancer”, she said again. I swear I went into shock. My jaw dropped to the ground. Still thinking I wasn’t hearing right, I turned to Bobo who looked at me and said, “See, it’s nothing”. And that’s when it hit me. Flabbergasted I asked her “Well if it isn’t cancer, then what the heck is it?”. It’s a spongy thing with tenticles. Then she said something about arthritis and degenerative and that’s about all I got out of her because then she said, I could go home now.
I am still trying to process this information. The last time I had spoken to this woman she told me that I needed another MRI, that I had a spot on my neck (C5) that was probably cancerous (given my history), and that they were going to treat it as aggressively as possible with radiation. I was to have another MRI and a CT Simulation Planning session to be followed with radiation treatments a few days later. No where in this conversation did I hear that there was even the remotest possibility that it wasn’t cancer. In fact, when you read the report that rhymes off all the metastatic tumours in my spine (T1, T3, T11, S1,S2, L1 and L2) and all the radiation spots which I am sure are still glowing, no wonder the technician concluded it was probably just another one. Honestly, I would thought the same thing. However, the anxiety I went through, thinking I had to have radiation in my neck and what if they missed and hit a vocal chord and I what if I couldn’t talk afterwards, and what if my esophagus closed up and it was adversely affected. Still want to talk, sing, and eat folks! It really, really, hasn’t been a good 2 weeks worrying about this and the plight of my children.
“So what am I suppose to do about the spongy tentacle thing because my neck is really hurting?” I asked. “I don’t know”, she said. “Go see your family doctor”, she answered.
And you know what Bobo said when we were walking back to the car? “Good thing you aren’t suicidal, or you wouldn’t have been around to hear the good news.”