I wrote some blogs on my iPad and will be posting them today as I can only handle wifi for a short amount of time.
Let me introduce you to my newest Dr., Dr Death, from the palliative care team. He, as far as I can tell, wants to make REALLY SURE you understand that you are going to DIE, and it’s going to be soon. Get your affairs in order, and decide what you want to do about the “Do Not Resuscitate” orders because it’s not fair for your family to have to decide to pull your plug. “Well,” I told him, “I want to discuss that with my husband.” I already told him not to keep me on life support if I was a vegetable. My parents/sisters would keep me like this forever I’m afraid, but he would have to do the right thing. What would be the point waking up from something like that to be in more pain? If anyone one tried CPR on my bones right now, they’d crush me.
We talked about chemo. He said it probably would not be in my best interest to do that right now because it would probably kill me faster. Finally someone agrees with me.
I spoke to my oncologist and asked him 3 questions. Here were his responses.
1. If I take this chemo, what is the probability that it will help me? (20-30%)
2. How much longer will it extend my life? (An extra 1-2 months).
3. What is the probability that this chemo is going to harm me? (High given the fact I’m not walking around independently for more than 1/2 day).
So really folks, what’s the point in becoming bald from chemo, not getting out of bed because you’re too sick, and spending an extra one or two months alive feeling like shit? Forget it. Besides, this chemo (cousin) was the one that stopped my heart dead. It’s like being offered a ticket to death row to be executed right now and I’m not that nuts to do it. Chances are I’ll live longer doing nothing.
So that’s what I’m doing. I really can’t complain. I superseded the expectations of the medical system for 8 years. I should have been dead a long time ago. But God gave me extra time on this earth to do the stuff that made me really happy which was to teach, coach, do art, be with my family and travel. And I live with no regrets because even if my life is cut short, I had a really truly amazing and satisfying life. I had a career I loved. Going to work and getting paid for having a great time being with kids was immensely satisfying. I have two wonderful children and a husband who loves me. I have great friends, relatives, my mom and dad and sisters. What can be better than that? Life has been grand and I’m grateful.