My Slumpy Day

Dark SideMy Slumpy Day

After getting my head out of a bad space before my awesome trip to British Columbia, I am back in the gutter once again.  Having cancer it’s like being on a roller coaster and I’m on the downside right now.

restaurant serviceIt started on Friday at my oncologist appointment.  He was being followed by two new recruits.  Told my nurse that having shots at a Scarborough clinic instead of PMH was not going well.  The first guy didn’t get it right and I didn’t like being stabbed more than once.  And the next time when I asked for someone who knew how to administer this kind of shot in the stomach, they gave me a nurse who told me she was shocked at how big the needle was. She said she gave large needles to pregnant women in the hospitals before but this needle was much bigger than that and she didn’t really know what to do with it. That really made my confidence soar.  Anticipating disaster before a needle is always fun.  She took her time inserting it in me which was torture and apologized profusely throughout the procedure.  Not going back.  I need someone who knows what they are doing.  Basically was told too bad because they are doing needles at PMH anymore. 

I wasn’t sure I needed that shot anyway because now that I’m taking tamoxifen once again, that should stop my periods from coming back. My onc. agreed and I have one less shot going in my stomach..the big needle with the hollowed out center for a pellet to go shooting in there.  Unfortunately tamoxifen is the drug that once gave me a stroke, so I’m not exactly happy to be on this drug again.  However it does help your bones, not like the other hormone drugs that wreck your bones and give you osteoporosis.  And guess what?  Since PMH is no longer doing my needles, my husband is now going to learn how to give me the other shot in the stomach.  Do you believe this?  Cutbacks.  We can no longer provide you with someone to do your needles, so guess what, you are on your own!  Bullshit.  That is what it is. 

12109198_10207750090212940_1271571996916088075_nI asked my oncologist if he would mind writing me a letter so that I could get immunotherapy treatment in Germany.  He gave me a letter all right. It’s stated quite in emphatically in BOLD that he did not support what I was doing in Germany, that there was no scientific proof that it works, nor did he recommend the treatment.  In other words getting support from OHIP for my medical costs is not going to happen.  Immunotherapy treatment is about $50,000.00, but it can cure me while everything else can just stunt the lousy cancer until it finds its way to grow back again.  There are ZERO per cent studies being done on my type of cancer…apparently only 7 per cent of cancer research funds are allotted to metastatic cancer patients….guess they figure we are going to die anyway, so what’s the use?  Instead the goofballs use the stupid money they get for ads telling people to check their breasts for lumps.  Idiots.  And what really pisses me off about the Pink Ribbon Campaigns is that they keep touting they are so close to finding a cure.  Really?  I don’t think so.  How many years have they been searching for a cure?  Still using the same drugs developed in the war to kill soldiers to kill cancer (and the patients too).  The FDA is making too much money…something like $270,000 for 5 years per patient.  Do they really want to find a cure?  Really?  Sorry for my skepticism…. I’m on a whirl.

11254572_10206274324069706_4652111085599174120_nOn top of all this, I’m currently battling Revenue Canada who is not acknowledging my medical costs from the last two times I went to Germany. I don’t know if you have ever dealt with Revenue Canada but trying to call them on the phone is hell. Unless you phone between 8:15 to 8:30 in the morning you will NOT get through. However if you go to a nearby government office you can pick up one of their phones and get a direct line. So this is exactly what I did. I finally talked to a human being to see if they received my family doctor’s note and if they could re-examine my claim. She couldn’t do anything because it was on my husband’s taxes and she couldn’t give me any info information about it. I told her it was ridiculous because it was my medical claims that they were disputing. So she said my husband would have to phone Revenue Canada (at 8:15 am) and maybe he will get through. Like he has time to keep dialing Revenue Canada all day while he’s at work.  It’s so frustrating. Been 3 days.  Didn’t get through.  Nearest person to talk to us is in Sudbury which I would be happy to drive over there and do a sit in, but you better believe it will be fortified against intruders like me. 

Dealing with Revenue Canada is kind of like dealing with Bell Canada… get the runaround. I have also been after them (Bell) for the last four months for telephone and Internet service. I told them I was paying too much money for my Internet service for what I was getting, so they offered me a new modem. After the worker left, a new nightmare began because he cut the cord to my telephone line and disappeared for the day.  I had no phone and then had to call them on my cell phone for 1 1/2 hours to get them to send someone else to fix my new problem. Then I had an ugly temporary wire hanging between my house and my next-door neighbors house. I had to phone Bell about 65 times to ask them to bury the wire.  Finally it’s been done, but only after relentlessly calling them.  I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Further woes include our fairly new fridge which is doing some strange things…it’s still under warranty but they can’t send someone to fix it until I’m back from Germany. 

11703365_1087861577909176_5585447011518671387_nAnd I am heart-broken because one of my friends (Lynn Manwar) with metastatic breast cancer passed away.  She also refused chemo when she got METS and felt it would have killed her sooner if she had done it.  I was supposed to go with her to a lunch gala on Sunday in support of breast cancer.  She was a part of the unveiling of calendar in which she was dressed in a beautiful gala dress as she was one of the models.  She invited me to go with her, but I told her that I wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to go because I was returning from British Columbia at 11 o’clock Saturday night and I might be too tired.  She told me not to worry because there were plenty of other events like this and I could go to the next one with her.

I was shocked when I went on Facebook to look for postings of the luncheon I missed and there was nothing.  Instead of seeing her smiling face, what I saw was a posting from her brother informing us on Facebook that she had died.  Her aunt told me at the visitation that they were all putting on their dresses on for the event when they got a call from the hospital telling them to get there fast.  Needless to say, there was an empty table at the event. 

This all really sucks.  It’s so painful to see people we know and like die of this dreaded disease.

Hope your day is better than mine.

I’m glad I went away, however it’s hard to come back to this.

Visions of Spending My Summer Vacation In Jail

July 6, 2015

bail money“I’m going to jail,” I proclaimed to Bobo after receiving an email from my accountant.  “That’s good”, responded my husband, the eternal optimist….”free medicine when you are in jail “.  Good point….never quite thought of jail in that way.

eggsRevenue Canada is auditing me once again.  Really?  Can’t they pick on someone else for once?  Why me?  The last time they audited me I had to prove I gave birth to two children and they both went to daycare.  Seriously, can they not connect to another government computer to see that my children actually exist?  Now Revenue Canada wants proof that I went to Germany for Cancer Treatment.  All this for a little over a lousy $2,000 I got back for my tax return.   Oh Crap if I have to pay any of it back.

hairSo guess what I have been doing over the last couple of days?  Pouring through past receipts, visa statements, medical records, etc.  to come up with everything I spent on transportation (flight/train), accommodation, prescriptions, food, and treatment.  I’ve got 30 days.  That’s how I started my summer vacation.  Hmmpf.

This morning I woke up in excruciating back pain in which I could barely breathe.  “I am so not going to make it until my MRI next Friday”, I thought.  May have to park myself at an ER today.  It felt like someone shot a big hole between my shoulders. On a scale of 1-10, it was a 20.  Time to call an ambulance?  Phoned my radiation guy who told me to come in.  Explained to him that I am crazy, did something stupid (played Laser Quest at my sons birthday party)  and have been seeing stars ever since.  “Possibly fractured,” he said. 


my own little worldI also told him I ran out of snake venom from Germany over a month ago and perhaps the cancer may be back.  His eyes and mouth opened wide in shock at the mention of the snake venom.  “Yeah, that’s right.  Snake venom.  Poisonous Snakes will kill you if they bite you, but its harmless if you ingest it…yet it prevents cancerous tumours from getting a blood supply.  That got his attention.  Big grin too.  Gotta luv da guy.

Now I would never be able to have this same conversation with my oncologist, who I imagine would just throw his hands in the air, tell me it’s quackery once again, and kick me to the curb side, because nothing but conventional medicine works.  I would oh so like to prove him wrong.  I would get such smug satisfaction in that.  I told him I was having considerable back pain lately.  The only thing I got out of him on Friday was that it, the cancer, was probably everywhere by now and I need another CT scan at the end of July.  I’m waiting to see what next weeks MRI shows before I agree to attend that one.  It happens to be scheduled on the same day as my visit to St. Annes Spa…..I won their Spa Lotto Contest for a free hydrotherapy session.  So guess where I want to be on July 30th?  Not exactly jumping through hoops to get the radiation equivalent amount of 500 X-rays when I just had that one done in April.  Besides didn’t my soothsayer doctor also tell me that I would be back to drain cancerous fluid from my lungs by now?  Did that happen?  Nope.  Well then?  Why spoil a potential beautiful day at the spa for a CT scan?  Maria O’kane got it right when she told me to “Do What You Want.  Don’t want to go to an appointment, then don’t go.”   “Fuck the doctors, they know shit”, she used to tell me.  Sometimes you just get to the point when you get sick of being told what to do and need some rest and relaxation time so you don’t go mentally insane from the bullshit.

And so the saga continues. 

old ageI asked the x-ray technician what happens if I have a fracture.  He said, “Spinal Decompression”.  “Oh shit,” I thought. “…does that mean two metal rods to hold up my back?” I asked him.  “Yup”, he answered.  “How ’bout cement?  Can they do that instead?”, I asked.   “Depends,” he answered.  “Damn those Laser Quest battery packs.”  “Damn me for being such a big kid and wanting to do things I should not be doing”.

He went to look at the film.  “Oh, you already have two metal rods in there near T 12”.  “That’s right, and it was so enjoyable the first time that I never want to experience it again.”  I think I’d rather get radiated.

My doctor phoned me a couple of hours after I got home…lucky for me it’s not a fracture causing me this grief. Spared another set of rods!   That’s a relief.

Perhaps my new back pain was due to another one of my stupid (?) moves in which a truck dumped three 2×4’s in front of my car on Bayview Avenue the other day, blocking traffic.  Me, clearly insane, put on my hazard lights, and hopped out of my car in an attempt to move them to the side.  Too heavy.  Moved them a couple of inches until two men told me to step aside so they could take them to the curb.  Thank heavens for the good Samaritans.  The driver realized his load was on the street, parked his truck, and ran back to get it.  Jumped back into my car and continued on my journey when the wood was safely removed.

Wonder if this new pain has anything to do with that German vitamin (?) capsule I’ve been taking.  The (?) means I don’t really know what is in it.  Again.  Here, let me type in the ingredients.  If any of you read German, let me know what you come up with. Looks like vitamins to me, but who knows?


Tri magnesium citrat

Eisen II gluconat





Selen ion

Time for more oxycocet and a soak in the tub.



July 7, 2015

gratitudeFeel surprisingly good today.  Back is not great, but it’s manageable without pain meds.  Didn’t take the Vitamin Capsule.  Hmmm.  Wonder if whatever is in that German capsule likes to attack radiation sites?   My neck and pelvis was hurting yesterday too.  

Got another phone call from Sunnybrook. My MRI has been bumped up once again to this Sunday.  My radiation doctor is a saint. 

Just a thought….If nothing (cancer) shows up on the MRI, how am I going to explain this one? Hi, I was in excruciating pain for nothing…no fracture, no cancer…just a German vitamin capsule.  Hmmmm……I may be so in the dog house.  

Suggestions for a lovely gift basket?