Yesterday I was a wreak because I had to go get an abdominal ultrasound. I think I was having an anxiety attack. I was aggravated because I didn’t want to go and my appt was in the afternoon and I wasn’t suppose to eat & drink before this test. I don’t want to lose more weight. When I got there, I was given a new technician to do the test (with her supervisor in the back ground).
I stewed about it all the way home, in tears, having doubts about everything and wishing I could call Michelle or Maria to talk to them. Oh how I wished they were still alive. And then the strangest thing happened. The new Adele song came on the radio. I always associate Adele with Maria O’Kane because one time when I was over at her house her daughter Sam did a song/dance routine to one of her songs. I had to smile because I know Maria I would have said, “The Drs here know shit.” Then the song “Don’t you worry Child, Cause Heavens Got A Plan For You” which I took as a message from Michelle who was the most religious person I knew. So I stopped letting my mind go to the dark side and just concentrated on driving, singing, and praying. My friends in heaven were communicating from the dead. Call me crazy. I don’t care. I felt them with me.
Today I had to go to my onc. for my shots and to discuss further treatment plans for me (i.e. chemo). I did not want to go. I had some really bizarre dream last night….something about if my oncologist dumped me as a patient, it would be a good thing because my oncologists wife was doing something wrong and was evil ( I don’t even know his wife). I dunno it was really weird. Took Bobo with me for morale support.
My onc. dr was unusually quiet. Didn’t say one word about going back on chemo. He knew I went to Germany. He handed me a paper with my abdomen results which indicated there was nothing abnormal….no sign of metastatic cancer in any of my organs (liver, gallbladder, kidneys etc). “What a minute”, I said. “What about the thing that was growing at the head of my pancreas? I questioned. What happened to it! “It’s gone” he said. “What do you mean it’s gone? I asked. “Oh there must have been something wrong with the last CT scan when they did it”, he replied.
However, it wasn’t just one CT scan that showed this thing on my pancreas, it was two. I have records on two scans that there was something there. And now, since I came back from Germany, I have one record that shows it’s gone since.
Bobo said he is puzzled. He doesn’t know what to think.
I told him I needed to get off the tamoxifen for a while because I think that was giving me the pain I was getting on my side, breathing problems, and blurry vision. He told me that was fine and if I wanted to go on it again, even 1/2 dose, I knew where to find him.
I also told him my Dr in Germany told me not to get my lung examined for 6-8 weeks because it would take time for the medicine to work. My onc said, “Sure, when do you want him to book it?” I said after December 25th because I didn’t want to wreak my Christmas! So I have a chest CT scheduled for some time in early January.
Glad that appointment was over. Getting my shots at PMH next month, then I have to get CCAC to give them to me Christmas Eve because the hospital is closed.
So happy today! That appt wasn’t bad at all. Things are looking up!
So yah think in January if this thing on my lung is gone that he is going to believe in alternative medicine!?